It fails me, alludes me, leaves me, and intrudes me
It lulls me, disrupts me, finds me, and corrupts me
It is that for which I live, that for which I long
And inside which is where I know I belong

At its roots its ways are noble, pure and true
Spurring on toward goodness and turning things to new
It beckons and entrances all that live and breathe
And calls to be captured and given by those who believe

But somewhere, somehow along the broken way
Its fruit turned bitter, fallen and gone astray
That which I live for I cannot have nor express
My heart aches with wanting to confess
That which I long for I cannot give or be
Without His power working in me

So my power I do submit
A daily habit taking fit
A bowed heart I do commit
And at his feet I rest and sit

For even a moment to feel his love
Pouring down from heaven above
Is worth all pain, trial, and strife
Of losing everything and gaining life

It’s the love that beckons and draws me nearer
His soft whisper is slowly becoming clearer
And I understand it in increasing measure
His amazing love that I have come to treasure

One punctuated with giddy laughter and one with somber expressions.

One wrapped in bright natural light and a vibrant color palette; one trapped in rich, light consuming shades and dim candle glow.

One was elegant, traditional, structured, and rehearsed; one was fanciful, free, casual, and daringly unique.

One was graced with the sweet sounds of piano, voice, and trumpet; the other with the bangle of tiny ankle bells and Celtic song and dance.

One pronounced Christ as the golden cord surrounding and enveloping both man and woman as they become one flesh through the covenant of marriage; one spoke of God as creator and giver of wisdom through a prayer of reverence, awkward and new.

One relationship founded, rooted, and sustained in the enduring love of Jesus; one relationship built in the sand of man, soon to be worn down by the waves of worldliness.

One relationship saved many blessings yet to be had; one relationship tainted, experienced, and familiar with impurity.

One God watches over both, desiring for man to fulfill his role to love, protect and provide; desiring woman to fulfill hers in submission, respect, and support.

All have
One Life.
One Love.
One chance to accept the gift of salvation through authentic belief and confession of the
One, the Only, Jesus.

A whole month has passed since I wrote my first couple of blogs. I honestly thought I would write more frequently, especially given the fresh advice I received from one of my most favored authors, Brennan Manning, concerning the steps, or rather step, to becoming a writer worth reading. "Write everyday," he flatly stated. For such simple advice, I can't seem to bring myself to do it, not for lack of desire but rather lack of words sufficient enough to convey with due luster the thoughts streaming through my mind; my random, revelational, and nearly incommunicable thoughts. Sometimes I would rather not say anything at all than sit a computer dumbfounded as to how to put my theories on life and love in a cold and stale word document. (wow, I am reminding myself of Hope...how many times has the word love been erased?!?!)

So instead of putting my heart into words, I bury my nose in a book and consider and study the ways in which the "pros" do it. I read novels, nonfiction, webzines, news articles, even other blogs, in the hope that the authors' wit and way with words would somehow change me into a writer worth reading. I am ashamed to say that I have played the comparison game to my loss; though I have learned a thing, maybe two, in my writing classes, I feel safe in saying that my writing will be as far reaching as the few friends who visit my blog out of curiosity. Just as well, I suppose.

Well, now that the pressure's off to write something fantastic, I will digress into more trivial subjects, like ultimate frisbee. I have played four (yes 4!) times in the past week and a half. Don't be fooled; this cosmo girl with an affinity for Starbucks, downtown skyscrapers, jazz, and fashion nothing less than LOVES this game. Mark your calendars, friends. Every Sunday at 2 and Tuesday at 730. I am hopeful to say that with this running I am doing, I'm sure to lose some excess pounds. Ok, I'll stop kidding myself. Truth be told, every calorie I burn I refill in chocolate. Lord, help me.

Perhaps in light of my absence of prose writing, I have taken interest in song writing. Don't ask for any samples; I don't have any yet. In fact, I might say that song writing is scarier than prose writing. I can't hardly record my voice...in my room by myself...with no one home...without letting apprehension well up within my throat, handicapping me from singing anything worth saving. Perhaps with some prayer I will overcome my fear of rejection (even by myself) and just do the things I love without reservation. Once again, Lord, help me.

I hope that's enough for you to chew on until next month when I once again feel motivated to record my randomness. With any luck, I will give you a morsel before then. Stay tuned, friends, and thanks for reading.

Periods of intense doubt have plagued me. Rebellion has been my ally and wickedness my friend. A rock-bottom self-esteem once clipped my wings and held me hostage. Financial drought has provoked my selfishness, and material wealth has ignited unbridled haughtiness. The powers of this world as delivered through media and entertainment have robbed me of emotion, reality, and time. Bitterness, envy, and my drive to compete have caused me to squander friendships and miss valuable relational opportunities. Confusion has boggled my thoughts and cluttered my mind. Apathy has shackled my feet, preventing me from walking forward, from learning, and from accomplishing. The pangs of perverse temptations have lain heavy on my chest, and the guilt of heeding those temptations has seeped deep into my heart. I have felt lonely. I have been afraid. I have been lost. I have hurt. I have failed, and I have gone astray.

Tell me I don’t need Jesus.

I need a Jesus whose love surpasses those grievous sins that taint my life. I need a Jesus whose grace will extend to the most heinous parts of my heart. I need a Jesus who cares—and not in a so-God-loved-the-world-way, but in an extravagantly intimate, frighteningly personal, and relentlessly tender way.

My walk with Jesus has spanned over 14 years, most of which during my adolescent and teenage days. I remember when the cross became more than a story; when worship became more than music; when prayer became more than talking. I remember when my heart began to change for people; when I steeped out in faith because I believed Him to be faithful; when I experienced His abundant provision in times of need. I have experienced true fellowship, and I have seen the miraculous work of prayer. I have read the Bible, studied it, and taught it to others. I have shared the gospel, and I have seen people accept Jesus as Lord of their life.

Many things have brought me to my knees with thanksgiving and caused words of praise and admiration to stream from my lips. But there is one truth, one striking revelation, which has swept me off my feet. Many truths have helped to piece the image of Jesus in my mind, but never has one made him so personable, so lovable, so mine. With this truth fresh on my heart, my relationship with Jesus can be the passionate love affair it is meant to be.

Now that I have kept you in enough suspense, what is this truth that has revolutionized my reaction to Jesus? Here it is: He’s fond of me. He likes me. And not the me that I will become, and not the me that I once was. But just me. Me with all my flaws, quirky and annoying habits, weaknesses, and rough edges. Me with my every one of my talents, passions, strengths, and positive traits. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—that I can do to impress him, nor could I do anything to make him think less of me. He will always think my voice is the sweetest sound, my time is a precious gift, and my heart an invaluable jewel worthy of protection and unceasing love.

Allow me to explain this concept in a more tangible way. If He and I were both at a party mingling (humor me), He would make his way to me through the crowd because He finds me intriguing, appealing, and attractive. If He and I were going to a movie with a group of friends, He would ask to sit by me so He could share in my reactions, be there when I lean over to state my opinion, and hold my hand if I am afraid. If He and I were at a dance hall, He would ask for my hand so that He could be close enough to smell my hair, feel my heart beat, and allow His own joy to overtake Him as I gracefully spin around Him. Yes, Jesus likes me…a lot.

Why was this so revolutionizing to me? I can’t recall a time when I doubted Jesus’ love for me. And more than that, I know that His love is not circumstantial. I know intellectually and in my heart that Jesus will continue loving me no matter what transpires in my life. He actually has to. It’s in his nature as God.

But does he have to like me? You don’t love everyone you like, and you don’t always like everyone you love. Love in some senses, or at least in the sense I have perceived it, is somewhat obligatory. You love your mother because she’s your mother; she holds a special position in your life. You don’t have to like her to love, respect, and honor her. In the same way, I know that I can never lose God’s love; he’s obligated to me. But He chooses to like me. He chooses to pursue a passionate and fanatical love affair with me because He can’t keep his mind and eyes off me. In that way, His like for me isn’t connected to His love, because one is a choice and one isn’t.

Do you see how this simple truth challenges and confounds the belief of so many lackadaisical Christians around the globe? Friend, we are missing out when we simply accept Jesus as our savior. One of our greatest mistakes is limiting Him to being only a man who lived 2 thousand years ago and died on a cross for our sins. If you have accepted that truth (and I pray to God that you have) then I pray God’s blessings over you. May He strengthen you in his power and truth until the day of Jesus’ return. But this I also urge you with all my heart: realize that Jesus is desperately and passionately in love with you. Confront the truth that he anxiously waits to hear your voice, dry your tears, and lead you on. He is quite fond of you. Allow Him to become ever real, ever close, and ever yours. Let a passionate love affair be your pursuit, as I know it is His.

~ Thank you, Jesus, for liking me though I am nothing close to admirable. ~